Life Reflections
 

     1. Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin 
        unprotected. 
     
     2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 

     3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 

     4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore 
        helmets. 

     5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 

     6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have 
        been more specific. 

     7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, 
        but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 

     8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, 
        but anyone going faster is a maniac? 

     9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a 
        day when she was 60.  She's 97 now and we have no idea where she 
        is. 

    10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I 
        lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands 
        there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 

    11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form 
        of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. 
        If they are OK, then it must be you. 

    12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if 
        you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your 
        laundry isn't your biggest problem. 

    13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell 
        you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife 
        is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. 

    14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket 
        and  said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" 
        I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to 
        kill you too." 

    15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy 
        Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan 
        Library, and  the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore