The Christmas Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll 
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.  
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. 
Happy now?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking
and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party!  Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time
of year.  Or everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that
work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.

Okay???



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 12
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to Keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
hearing them scream right now!



FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.